Sacrament

I wanted to share a couple poems I wrote.

All creation waited for this moment
We watched, holding our breath
As You suffered for us.
Scourged, whipped, tormented
The King of Heaven knelt in pain
Your blood, tears and sweat mixed together
They wet the parched ground below you.
Our King of Glory given a mocking crown of painful thorns
How could Heaven let this be?
For me. For you. For all of us.
The Light of the World, descending to the darkest place possible
My Living Water, thirsty for a drink as you hung on the cross.
My Rock of Salvation, beaten, broken, crying for Father's help
The rocks and earth mourned and they broke too.
You walked into Hell below
Having endured Hell's full anger on earth
Your perfect love and forgiveness
Consumed and conquered Hell's fury.
The keys to the captives of sin and death now yours.
Because you suffered all for me. For all of us.
My pain and suffering became Your pain and suffering.
I am free from Satan's hold on me.
No longer captive to earthly kingdoms and powers.
Your love and forgiveness show me the way
To conquer all challenges and foes.
You are my Light in the darkness, the King of my heart,
My Rock of Salvation, my Living Water.
Your cup is given to me to drink, to always remember you.
Your bread, to do the will of Father, is mine to eat.
Kneeling before you, I offer all I have to you.
All glory, honor, blessings and praise to you!



When I take the sacrament, I think of you Jesus, your bread.
Your bread was to do the Father's will.
Jesus, our Life Giving Seed, you fell to the ground, crushed,
Beaten, scourged, placed in the fiery furnace of affliction.
To become my daily bread, my Bread of Life.
You took the crushing consequences of my sins
Treading the winepress of God's justice alone, soaked in your red blood
That I might be made white, cleansed,
That I might not be crushed by the weight of my sins.
That I might never be forsaken and alone in suffering.
Jesus, you did the Father's will and fully emptied the sorely bitter cup.
Crucified and still forgiving as you suffered,
You begged for a drink of water.
How could this be?
You, the living water, having poured out your life, thirsting.
Dying to spare me my bitter cup of suffering for my many sins.
The depth of your love is beyond anything I've ever known.
If I remember you always, and follow your Spirit's voice,
I will not thirst again, Jesus, for you are my Living Water.
Let me stay forever near you.



Jesus is our goal. Coming to Him, remembering Him always. Turning to Him in our daily challenges, and letting him take our hand and guide us through each one- those are our goals. Like the blue sky covers the earth, his love covers all of us. It is enough for all of us. But so often we are distracted, turned away from Him. We don't even see all the miracles around us, the things Jesus puts in our path to remind us of His love. We turn to other things for help, in our distress, instead of Jesus. Still He waits patiently for us to come back to Him and his never ending love for us. How great is our God! Like the sunshine warms and gives life to all things, His love warms us. His love can help us understand and make it through any challenge. Unchanging, Jesus is our Rock, our Strength. Like the birds fly, lifted by the wind, Jesus is what lifts us up and gives us the ability to make it through from one day to the next. How wonderful our God is! If staying close to Jesus and remembering Him always, is our goal, there is more than one right way to do this.

Let me give an example that shows that there is more than one right way to accomplish a goal. I want to give a disclaimer, that I have made many, many mistakes and that the only example worth following is Jesus'. In raising our children, we have tried out several different school approaches, and learned a few things. We had to think about what our goals were. What is our goal in educating our children? To instill in our children a love of learning, to raise them to be as independent as possible, to be able to take care of themselves,  and to instill in them a desire to give back to the community. We want them to love their family. We hope that they love the Lord more than anything else. We have tried many different types of schooling for our children, and found that all can be useful.

A few years ago, our daughter had several surgeries in a short time frame, and it had taken a toll on our family. We needed to regroup as a family- we felt like we'd been thrown for a loop and hadn't figured out our new normal. We prayed about it and both Edward and I felt strongly that we needed to homeschool our 3 oldest children that year. It didn't make logical sense. Our daughter's medical needs were still very time consuming. Our oldest boys were in 10th, 9th, and 7th grades, their needs were greater than what I could teach them. Family members were opposed to us homeschooling and they expressed their concerns several times. We enrolled them in an online charter school, they participated in online classes in our kitchen together. We went to a few fun field trips together, but I didn't have the time to make it work. Academically, online homeschool was a setback. The program was good, but their motivation just wasn't there! However, spending a year home together was exactly the blessing we needed to gel our family together. I can see why the Lord told us to homeschool that year. Our children are good friends, they really love to be together. I attribute some of that to the year we did homeschooling. I love seeing the older kids laugh and play with the younger kids, and join in their games. The older kids don't feel like they are too old to enjoy the games the younger children play. They have all become really good friends, and are mostly content to be home enjoying their closest friends- their siblings.

I learned that there are many ways "school" can happen, there is no one right way- other than what is best for the needs of the child and family. The school approach can change from year to year, along with the changing needs of the child or family. We should evaluate if we are meeting the needs of our children and pray and ask God to direct us. Only the family can judge what is best for them, and their children. The fruits of a good education are evident in the children themselves and the young adults they are becoming. Are they happy? Genuinely kind and thoughtful of others? Interested in learning? Gaining skills needed for independence? Or are the opposite traits more present?

I feel the same applies to church. We have to look at the goal, and evaluate the fruits. The goal is to come to the Lord. For our faith and desire to follow Him to more fully increase. Our goal is to always remember Jesus, to have His Spirit with us, always in our hearts. To find Jesus every day. There is not a one size fits all, single approach in coming to the Lord. Each one of us is so unique and comes with such different challenges. Here are some questions to consider: What are the fruits of my religious or spiritual practices? Do I feel humbled, repentant, more reliant on the Lord? Or do I feel justified, self-righteous and proud of how much my church community loves me and needs me? Is this bearing good fruit in my life? I don't ask these questions to be judgmental. These are the questions we ask ourselves when we are  trying to decide what course to take. Am I coming to know the Lord more deeply? Seeing His hand more clearly in my life? Or am I more worried about how others perceive me, how they perceive my family, and my commitment to the church? What is the end result, and is that what I really want? What is my goal? Am I reaching it by what I am doing?  It is very personal and individual. For some, church may be exactly where the Lord wants them to be. Maybe there are others at church who need their testimony of the Lord, or maybe there is a service they need to give or receive. For others, the Lord may want to teach them at home, or in another setting. Like schooling, only the family and God knows what is best for them. Judging can happen on both sides, and it isn't helpful. Hopefully we can respect each other's way of worshiping the Lord. The important thing is to keep our goal, of always remembering Him and having His Spirit with us, first in our minds.

When my friends tell me that taking the sacrament is an important reason to come to church, there are some unspoken assumptions. My friends assume that the only way with proper authority to take the sacrament would be under the direction of an LDS bishop. A lot of the understanding LDS members have about taking the sacrament hinges on the word "authority" or "priesthood". What does priesthood mean? For many, including me, the first thing that comes to mind with those words is the priesthood line, the line of men who men receive their priesthood authority from. As a missionary, I taught about church leadership and its priesthood authority using the pictures of the church leaders printed in the centerfold of the conference issue of the Ensign.  Looking back, I wish that I had only taught Jesus. In Jesus alone is our salvation.

In other time periods, people also automatically thought of the leaders of their church in their day as the authority, as the priesthood, the power of God on earth- as they understood it. The priests at the temple, the teachers of the law. For the Jews they would have viewed authority as coming from those who knew the law, and had authority through their training and tradition, the scribes and pharisees. But Jesus always did the unexpected, surprising everyone around Him with his unorthodox approach, his miracles and power. Jesus broke all the traditions, all the boxes and rules that people put around God.

When we think of priesthood or God's power, I would hope that only Jesus comes to mind. He created our world. He commands the elements. Jesus is the real source of any power from Heaven. Across time, any connection with heaven or with the Lord, must be individually forged, and often that involves a furnace of affliction. In forging that connection to the Lord, He can give to anyone who asks what they need. Including, if they desire, His permission to take the sacrament in memory of his sacrifice.



Jesus is our Shepherd, He leads us by still waters, feeds us in green pastures and anoints our head. This is part of David's Psalm 23. A short book I really enjoyed is "A Shepherd's look at Psalm 23" by W. Phillip Keller. The author spent time raising sheep, and he describes many similarities in the relationships between sheep and shepherds and God's children and Jesus. One of these similarities is the social order of sheep. Sheep in a herd form a pecking order, with some sheep asserting themselves as the top sheep, dominating the best spots of shade, or the choicest areas of grass, and butting out other sheep who get in their way. When the shepherd comes to tend his herd, any pecking order the sheep have established among themselves disappears entirely because the sheep are now focused on the shepherd, not on each other. Keller explains, "Another point that impressed me, too, was that the less aggressive sheep were often far more contented, quiet and restful .So there were definite advantages in being "bottom sheep." But more important was the fact that it was the shepherd's presence that put an end to all rivalry. And in our human relationships when we become acutely aware of being in the presence of Christ, our foolish, selfish snobbery and rivalry will end. It is the humble heart walking quietly and contentedly in the close and intimate companionship of Christ that is at rest, that can relax, simply glad to lie down and let the world go by. When my eyes are on my Master, they are not on those around me. This is the place of peace."  (p.49) Are we focused on the other sheep, even the sheep that are the leaders, or are we focused on our Shepherd, Jesus?



I used to think that God was absent, and that in God's absence that the leaders of the church preside over his flock. I learned in the many miracles we saw in our daughter's birth that God is definitely not absent, and God is never far away! Jesus is so near to us! As near as we allow him to be. He really is so close, helping us every day through so many challenges. If we could peel back the scales that blind our eyes, our unbeliefs, our incorrect traditions, we would see the Lord's love for us, as individuals, everywhere around us. If we believed more fully in Him and turned to Him more in every thought, we would see Him more. That is the definition of repentance, it is turning to God. Turning to God instead of anything else. Seeking comfort in Jesus, instead of any other substitute. He knows every worry, every tear, and he even knows every hair on our head- and loves us, even in the messes we find ourselves in. If we really saw Jesus love lifting us up, and blessing us- we would have a much different outlook.

As LDS people, we feel much comfort in the authority we have been taught is exclusive to our church. Yet there are many amazing Christian people of other faiths that are also doing the Lord's work. These are people who leave what is comfortable and familiar, to do the work God calls them to- whether it is caring for fatherless children, helping poor farmers learn better farming practices, teaching the gospel to a special group of people, or whatever special work God gives them. They feel God's direction, his call. Think of the many great people who felt God's call- Florence Nightingale, her inspired care greatly reduced the number of men who died from  battle wounds. Abraham Lincoln and his work to free the slaves in the Civil War. Christopher Columbus, who felt God directing him to a new land, the Americas, and many others that were given missions by God. God is evident in their work. Have they not received his help, his permission to do what He has called them to do? Is their calling from God any less valid than what leaders of LDS churches feel they have? Once in praying, the Lord told me that there is no exclusive group of people the Lord works with. He can work with anyone, anywhere. He can give his authority and help to anyone.

"He manifesteth himself unto all those who believe in him, by the power of the Holy Ghost; yea, unto every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, working mighty miracles, signs and wonders, among the children of men according to their faith . . . Behold doth he cry unto any, saying: Depart from me? Behold I say unto you, Nay: but he saith: Come unto me all ye ends of the earth, buy milk and honey, without money and without price." (2 Nephi 26:13,25). How thankful I am that Jesus would speak to any of us, that he is no respecter of persons, that we all have equal opportunity to seek his face.

As fallen, mortal people, we like to see patterns in the way God works with his children. It is common to think that the only way God will work is inside the patterns that we see. The problem is we begin to focus on the patterns instead of focusing on God himself. It is easier in the short term to follow a pattern than to discern what God's will is in every circumstance. God doesn't always follow the patterns we mortals think of as concrete. With his infinite knowledge and wisdom, his ways are higher than ours. With time we see what a wonderful work he was doing, in the very moments when we were questioning his plan. Many prophets have been called from unexpected circumstances, outside the patterns mortal man sees and expects- John the Baptist, Abinadi, Samuel the Lamanite and  others. They were called from outside of the religious institutions of their day. They offered their lives to deliver God's message. Jesus also came from an unexpected background. Born into circumstances questioned by his community, without the approval of the religious leaders in his day.  Jesus focused on the Father's will, not the accepted patterns seen by mortal man. I love when Jesus says, "My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work." (John 4:34) Just as focusing on God's will was important for Jesus, it is also crucial for us to focus on God's will for us individually. We can work on learning to hear his words to us as individuals, on doing the Lord's will for us every day.

We can ask more often, "What do you want me to do today, Jesus? How do you want me to handle the work I have before me?" How beautiful it is when we hear his words to us! Nothing else compares to his voice, except for his presence, which I hope someday to fully experience! How thankful I am that Jesus condescends to talk with us and work with us, even in our sinful state! Just a couple days ago, my daughter was having a hard time cooperating with her medical care. I took a moment to pray and ask what the Lord wanted me to do. The Lord's answer was simple, "Feed her first." She had recently had breakfast, but I prepared another plate of food for her. In a few minutes she was fully cooperative and cheerful again. I was so thankful the Lord told me what to do to avoid tears and frustration.

One of the problems with patterns, is that there is always exclusion of some of God's children-  those outside of the accepted pattern. But God knows each person's needs, their hearts, and they are important to Him.  I am sure most of us at some time have felt like we were the one outside the accepted pattern.  In our church, does strict obedience to rules, handbooks and programs substitute for love and inclusion of those with special or different needs? I have seen it  happen, regretfully, and have probably been the offender myself at times. Asking God how to treat others, and to help us as we interact with others is so important.

Many times close family and friends talk to me about the leaders of the church. How wonderful the current prophet is, or his accomplishments. Or they talk to me about the programs of the church,  and how thankful they are for the recent changes at church.  I wish that instead of talking about the leaders, programs, and recent changes, we were discussing what Jesus is teaching them. These are also the things I should be sharing more. How have you seen God's hand in your life? How have you come to know Jesus, in your daily living? Have you seen Jesus show you his love for you, individually? How did He help you handle a challenge, when you didn't know what to do? What are you learning about Jesus, and his love for you? Knowing Jesus is all that matters. Jesus is the only way back to our Father, and our only safe way through this life.

Is an intermediary man, a church leader, necessary for me or you to know the Lord? If I feel I need my church leader's permission, or their authority to do the things that draw me closer to the Lord, like taking the sacrament, am I relying on a man when I should be relying on God in all things? Who do I put my trust in, man or God? Who am I focused on- the other sheep or Jesus, our Shepherd?  Do I really believe Jesus can give me everything I need? What are the unbeliefs, the incorrect traditions and the patterns I hold to, that are limiting what the Lord is giving me? This would be a good question to ask the Lord in prayer.

A few years ago, I was in a sacrament meeting, with many humble and broken people. It was a testimony meeting at Primary Children's hospital. A couple children came in with IV poles and bald heads, they were beautiful warriors. Many of the mothers had the visible remains of tears and sleepless nights on their faces. The mothers were dressed differently than what I was used to seeing at church, they were wearing comfortable clothes to sleep on the couch in a hospital room. A father shared his testimony, his son had been in the hospital for many weeks since his birth, and had not been home yet due to heart operations. This father shared the story of Jesus healing the blind man in John 9, and how the story gave him hope. He hoped God's hand and God's works would be visible in his baby boy's life, as God's works were manifest in the blind man's life. I went home and read that story again. Being a parent of a child with special needs, the story became more meaningful to me.  Reading in between the lines of John 9:32, I understood that, like me, the blind man's parents searched for a way to heal what their child was born with. Time after time they were told that this was incurable, lifelong- only a true miracle from God could heal their child. They likely cried tears in private, wishing their son could run freely like other children. They knew he would be excluded from activities their family valued- like worshiping in the synagogue. Those with physical deformities, blindness or other problems were not allowed into the synagogue. This was a pattern that excluded an important group of God's children- those with special needs.

The blind man's parents probably taught him to focus on the abilities he had, his strengths, like listening more carefully. The blind man listened closely when Jesus disciples asked the Savior "Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents; but that the works of God should be manifest in him. I must work the works of him that sent me, while I am with you; the time cometh when I shall have finished my work, then I go unto the Father. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world." The truth of Jesus words and his presence must have deeply stirred the blind man's heart. When Jesus made clay and put it on his eyes, the blind man knew his eyes had been "anointed" Maybe those with 20/20 earthly vision would not have seen the anointing, just dirt and spit. After he'd washed and received physical sight, he was asked "How were thine eyes opened? He answered and said, A man that is called Jesus made clay and anointed mine eyes, and said unto me, Go to the pool of Siloam and wash; and I went and washed and I received sight." Washing in the pool of Siloam took faith too. The blind man walked through possibly scorning crowds with mud clay over his eyes before washing it off in the pool of Siloam.

After the blind man receives his sight, the Pharisees realize that Jesus performed this miracle on the Sabbath. The blind man's eloquent response to the Pharisees scornful questions about Jesus shows his faith. The blind man answered, "Now we know that God heareth not sinners; but if any man be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he heareth. Since the world began was it not heard that any man opened the eyes of one that was born blind, except he be of God. If this man were not of God, he could do nothing." Then the Pharisees cast the blind man out of the synagogue because he would not deny Jesus. The one time in his life he gets into the synagogue, and gets a chance to speak- and then he is cast out again because he witnesses of Jesus! His parents answered the Pharisee's questions very carefully because they were afraid of being cast out of the synagogue. In a tightly knit religious community, these associations were part of their everyday life, possibly their livelihood. Even though Jesus had healed their son, they were afraid of losing their community. Jesus heard that this man had been cast out for his testimony of him, and he found him and asked "Dost thou believe on the Son of God? He answered and said, Who is he Lord, that I might believe on him? And Jesus said unto him, Thou has both seen him, and it is he that talketh with thee. And he said, Lord I believe. And he worshipped him. And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world, that they which see not might see; and that they which see might be made blind." (John 9:31-39)

The blind man had not seen Jesus before this, only heard his voice and felt his hands over his face. Of all the new sights he wanted to see, seeing Jesus must have been at the top. Now he saw Jesus and worshipped him. All the years of difficulty and blindness were worth it- to see and know Jesus, the Son of God! It is interesting that first he heard Jesus voice, obeyed his instructions, then Jesus came to him and he worshipped Jesus in person. I am so grateful that this man's story was preserved. What great love Jesus showed this blind man, not only in the healing, but also in Jesus finding him after he was cast out. What great love he has shown each of us! When I read this story, I hope that I would be brave, and not be afraid of the consequences of sharing my testimony of Jesus.

One of my friends suggested adding music to my time with the Lord. Singing to the Lord has opened another dimension of worship for me, especially the songs from my heart to the Lord. A few days ago I was singing, "Abide with Me" in my morning prayer time. It is a song of asking the Lord to be with us, to stay with us through any trials. I felt that the Lord also sings to us, individually, asking us to stay with Him, to "Abide with Me", to not leave his side.



Abide with me; 'tis eventide.
The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;
The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest,
Within my home abide.
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide.
Your walk today with me
Has made your heart within you burn,
As you communed with me.
Your earnest words have filled my soul
And kept me near thy side.
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide,
And lone will be the night
If you cannot commune with me
Nor find in me my light.
The darkness of the world, you fear,
Please in my love abide
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.
My little child, please stay with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.

I also sang the other version of Abide with me, and thought of Jesus singing to me.

Abide with me! fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; child, with me abide!
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
I will not leave you, abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around you see;
I will not leave you, abide with me.

You need my presence every passing hour:
What but my grace can foil the tempter’s power?
Who like myself thy guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, oh, abide with me.


In whatever way we choose to worship the Lord, let our focus be only on Jesus. Let Him be our everything. Knowing Jesus, really knowing him like our best friend, is the only thing that matters.