2020 has felt like a mirror. We all have wounds that need the Lord's healing, and we may have not been fully aware of how deep some wounds are. I have seen some of those spots needing healing, the wounds, in myself more this year. Looking in the mirror, we have also seen more clearly where our priorities need to be and who matters most in our lives.
The fragility of some relationships have been revealed this year, while other relationships have been strengthened. What have you learned about yourself this year? Have there been some eye-opening moments, and moments of clarity of what is needed? The Lord is giving us a chance to put our lives in order, to repent, and come to Him.
We have had plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness this year. With the division felt more in the world, how are we reacting? Am I forgiving and merciful as the Savior is with me? Forgiveness doesn't come easy for me, it has often felt like a really hard thing to do. Enos describes his prayer for forgiveness and coming to the Lord as a wrestle. It is a wrestle to fight my ego and desire to be right, to really see my sins, to humble myself, and seek forgiveness. We have to completely let go of pride, resentment, anger, guilt, fear, and shame. Those things block our hearts from receiving the deep love and peace Jesus wants to give us. Receiving the Lord's cleansing love, peace, and forgiveness is worth any and every effort.
Enos says "I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me; Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou has never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole. Now it came to pass that when I had heard these words I began to feel a desire for the welfare of my brethren, the Nephites; wherefore, I did pour out my whole soul unto God for them. And while I was thus struggling in the spirit, behold, the voice of the Lord came into my mind again, saying: I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments."" Enos 1:2-7
Working on forgiveness, for myself and to forgive others, I am more amazed at Jesus' willing sacrifice for us. How differently he operates than we do, he forgave and loved everyone, even those who crucified him. Jesus' love and forgiveness while suffering immensely are telling of his deep, deep love for us. His sacrifice is also evidence of Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother's deep, deep love for us.
A song I love is "Oh, the Deep Deep Love of Jesus" sung by Audrey Assad.
Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me
Is the current of your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To your glorious rest above
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus
'Tis heaven of heavens to me
And it lifts me up to glory
For it lifts me up to thee
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus
Spread his praise from shore to shore
How he loves us, ever loves us,
Changes never, nevermore
Jesus taught about forgiveness towards the end of the Sermon on the Mount. Luke and Matthew recorded very similar accounts. Actually doing what Jesus taught is rare and difficult to do. Jesus lived what he taught, and his words describe what he did for us, and what he expects of us. Luke 6 says "But I say unto you who hear my words, Love your enemies, do good to them who hate you. Bless them who curse you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you. And unto him who smiteth thee on the cheek, offer also the other; or in other words, it is better to offer the other, than to revile again. And him who taketh away thy cloak, forbid not to take thy coat also. For it is better that thou suffer thine enemy to take these things, than to contend with him. Verily I say unto you, Your Heavenly Father who seeth in secret, shall bring that wicked one to judgment. Therefore give to every man who asketh of thee; and of him who taketh away thy goods, ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love them only who love you, what reward have you? For sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what reward have you? For sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great; and ye shall be the children of the Highest; for he is kind unto the unthankful and the evil. Be ye therefore merciful as your Father also is merciful."
Jesus continues, "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? Shall they not both fall into the ditch? A disciple is not above his master; but every one that is perfect shall be as his master. And why beholdest thou the mote which is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Again, how canst thou say to thy brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam which is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote which is in thy brother's eye." Luke 6: 27-42, JST included.
Jesus' words and teachings are worth thinking and pondering many times. It can take time for the meanings to really sink in. Whenever I start to complain about some crazy thing someone has said or done, Edward tells me, "Remember the beam and the mote, Les." Edward has said that many times over the years.
I've wondered why the Savior uses this example of a beam and mote. A mote is a tiny speck. I've known people that have made pretty serious mistakes, and they seem like big beams to me. Why does Jesus say that the beam is in my eye and the mote in the other person's eye? After some thought and prayer, it dawned that I am to be concerned with my own salvation. My own sins are the big beams that will keep me out of heaven- the pride, the judgment, the not forgiving others. Those sins will keep me out of heaven, not other's sins. What other people do, the mote, has little final impact on the condition of my heart. The condition of my heart, how I see others, whether it is humble, repentant, forgiving, and loving is up to me. Are my thoughts clean, pure, loving, and compassionate? Or are my thoughts of others judgmental and prideful? Do I think of others and treat them with Christ-like love? The sins of pride, contempt, anger, criticism, are the big beams that will be roadblocks barring me from heaven. What other people do- that is a mote, a tiny speck, in my life, very small. It was never between them and me, it has always been between God and me. The big beams are my own faults and sins that keep me away from God. Jesus was nailed to a wooden beam, our beam. My beam, my problems, he was nailed to them and carried them. He suffered for my sins, that I might not suffer if I would repent and accept his sacrifice for me. What greater love have we ever seen? I love Jesus with all my heart, but I probably don't let the truth of his ultimate sacrifice permeate and sink into my heart as deeply as I need to.
In my garden, I add a couple bags of compost in the spring. The bagged compost is so dry, that with the first watering, the water mostly runs off. It takes several times of watering it and disrupting the soil before it begins to absorb the water it needs. Sometimes we are like that dry dirt, we don't absorb deeply enough the very thing we are most in need of- Jesus' love, forgiveness, and peace. It takes many, many times of feeling Jesus' love and forgiveness before it begins to soften our hearts.
Coming back to the beam and the mote, it is interesting that Jesus describes the beam as being in our eye. He could have said you have a rock in your shoe, or you have a splinter in your hand, or your nose is kind of broken, but he says it's a beam in my eye. It's how little I see, my limited vision, that concerns the Lord. How little I see and feel of the love with which Heaven sees all of us. He is telling me that my vision is very obstructed by my own sins. Until I repent and experience personally the amazing love, mercy, and cleansing forgiveness from the Lord, I won't be in the right frame of mind to see, to love and forgive others. Jesus' way of telling us the truth at a deep level, and telling us to repent with so much love is amazing.
In this parable, of the beam and the mote, Jesus tells me that I am blind, but I think I can see well. If my life is like walking on a mountain trail, Jesus is trying to keep me from falling over the rocks and obstacles in my path. He is telling me, "You have to let me guide you on this trail, you can hardly see clearly with the sins you carry. Take my hand, let me carry your burdens, and let me lead you."
This summer, we went on a backpacking trip with my family. It was my first time backpacking, and my first time leaving our youngest children for several days. Edward stayed home so that I could go. He took care of the medical care for our daughter and took care of our youngest children. After a long day of hiking, carrying heavy backpacks, we went to the river by our campsite to get some water to filter for drinking and ended up going for a swim in the cold mountain river. The water was so refreshing, it washed off more than many layers of dirt and mosquito spray, it also washed away years of stress and worry. In the cold river water, I felt that things were going to be OK, I felt an optimism that things would work out. It was as if the optimism of youth that I had lost was returned to me in the river swim. I am thankful the Lord gives us moments like this, to feel wonder, peace, and reassurance. I needed that swim in the cold river water, it was a gift to me from God. Have there been moments of clarity like that for you, when God gave you perspective for a moment?
Forgiveness is like that refreshing water, I regularly need to come to the water, to get a drink, and clean up. Asking Jesus to forgive me, and forgiving myself is like drawing refreshing, cleansing water out of the river. Forgiving others for mistakes is giving others the mercy and forgiveness I am in need of myself. They are as thirsty and in need of forgiving, cleansing water as I am.
When a river flows and moves, it gives life to everything around it because it is moving. Forgiveness and love need to cleanse me, pass through me, and be given freely to all the people in my life as well. We are to become like an empty vessel, by itself it isn't anything, but carrying God's love, mercy, and forgiveness to others, it becomes meaningful. Water is meant to flow, to move, to be spread, shared, to give life wherever it goes, like Jesus' love for us gives us new life and hope. We are meant to receive Jesus' love and forgiveness and to extend that love and forgiveness to others. If the water in a lake stops moving, if there is no outlet, it becomes dead. The salt and minerals accumulate too much and nothing will grow.
As we were swimming in the river, my brother jokingly said, "I hope the people downstream from us have a good water filter! I hope we have a good water filter for the people swimming upstream from us!" It is true, having a good filter is critical. Asking the Lord to help us with the discernment is so important.
Both Matthew and Luke record Jesus talking about discernment, following Jesus teachings on forgiveness. He warns of men who appear to be sheep, but are inwardly ravening wolves. In a culture where outward appearance is valued so highly, we are especially susceptible to being deceived by well-dressed, smooth-talking con artists. "Ye shall know them by their fruits; for do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit; neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit, is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." Matthew 7:25-29. Jesus is asking us to be discerning and cautious. Matthew also records Jesus' warning "And the mysteries of the kingdom ye shall keep within yourselves; It is not meet to give that which is holy unto the dogs; neither cast ye your pearls unto swine" Matthew 7:10. Jesus asks us to forgive but also asks us to treasure and protect the things most precious to us- our pearls, the things that are holy and sacred to us. My pearls are my relationship with God and the relationships in my family. Protecting what is holy or sacred in our lives can mean putting up boundaries to protect our family and home. For me it means preserving my energy for my children and family. One of the blessings that has come with a child with special needs, is that I value more the little moments, they feel more miraculous to me. When I was pregnant, I was told our daughter with special needs wouldn't make it. It has made me appreciate more the time with my children and husband. Little things like going on a walk, or reading a book together, or doing a craft together- feel like big blessings. One of my goals is to focus my time and energy on my family, and on my relationship with God this year, to be more present. I like this song by Amy Grant, "Better than a Hallelujah." Its message is that there is holiness in the simple moments.
My prayer is that this year brings us closer to God. I pray we will see where we need to let his healing and love into our hearts, and ask him to heal what is hurt in us. I pray 2020 brings us a clearer vision of what we can do to mend the relationships most sacred to us- our relationship with our Lord, and the relationships in our families. I pray we can feel Jesus' love over us, underneath us, and all around us.
