Redeemer, Friend

In the turmoil of this year, have you had moments where the Lord has spoken to you, and it is was what you needed to hear? I hope that there have been moments where you have heard his voice to you. He can turn the night into day for each of us. I wanted to share an experience that taught me about Jesus' personality, and his care for us. It may be outside of the box a bit, but it is what I love about Jesus. He is unexpected, showing up when I least am expecting it. He is more loving and kind than I ever have imagined. And He is willing to walk and talk with me and you. We have access to Him, directly and personally we have a connection to Him- independent of any organization or religion or any earthly leader. Jesus is our Shepherd, he wants to be part of our lives. 

Earlier this spring, a course that is usually expensive and requires travel was made available for free, online.  It was directed to doctors and nurses, and was about caring for children with similar conditions to our daughter's. The continuing education would help me as a nurse, and it would help me as a mom too.  Watching the lectures and remembering what those events had been like for us, felt like I was walking through knee-deep mud. I was learning more about the meticulous planning and reasoning that goes into these surgeries, but the emotional part that was resurfacing felt very heavy. I am forever thankful for the doctors that saved my daughter's life but felt sad at seeing the surgeries and procedures' details discussed without any emotional connection. This course was intended for doctors and nurses, when I have heard the same doctors speak to parents they are more gentle. Hearing the surgeries discussed without any personal connection made me think about how fully connected Jesus is to our trials. He understands 100% of what each of us has been through. He weeps with us when we weep, but He also wants us to lift up our heads and rejoice in him. 

The angels announcing Jesus' birth said something that is true for all of us, especially in our trials. "Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord." The Lord came to give us good tidings of great joy.

As the online conference ended, my phone brought up a photo memory of 6 years ago. It was a picture of our child just before she had one of the tests done that the doctors had just described. She was smiling, dressed in an infant hospital gown, not aware of the difficulties before her. When I saw that picture come up on my phone, at the same time I was taking this online course, I felt the Lord was telling me that he remembered that day. He is connected to it like I am. Parts of that hard day left deep marks in my heart. There are many who have faced challenges much greater than ours. They also have very difficult days engraved in their memories that most of us don't know about. 

Our child had to stay awake for this test, while exploratory scopes and x-rays with contrast were done. She was 1 year old.  Edward held her head, I held her arms. She lay on a metal table without blankets or padding, an x-ray table. The surgeon, a radiologist and a couple radiology technicians performed the contrast studies and scopes. Surprising all of us, she didn't cry. She held still, blinked a lot, and chomped on her binky. A few times she whimpered, almost crying, and we gave her "sweeties", sugar water drops. It was so hard to see her held down and put through this messy test with no medicine. The contrast solution was sticky, and it was everywhere on her and us. The results of the test showed the surgery would be complicated. 

A couple weeks later, I was still feeling raw from the resurfacing of that memory, and other stresses. I prayed and told the Lord that I know he always remembers us and helps us, and I asked the Lord where he was that day. In my mind's eye, the answer came. I saw us in that room having the tests done. The Lord was close to our daughter, squatting so that his eyes were at the same level as hers as she lay on the x-ray table. He was looking right at her, covering his eyes with his hands, then opening them, in a peek-a-boo game. He was smiling at her, and keeping her eyes focused on his eyes as she had this difficult test done.  That's why she was calm during the scope.  He remembered because he was there with us. There is an unequaled sweetness of knowing Jesus cares enough to be with us. Who else would have remembered the anniversary of that difficult day, and reminded me that they were with us, and that it was important to them too? The Lord is 100% connected to us, our trials, and our happy moments. 

When little babies are mentally developing, their minds don't have the concept of object permanence.  If you cover a toy with a blanket, to a little child it is gone, not there. If you cover your face for a moment, they are surprised to see that you are still there after you uncover your face. That is why peek-a-boo with a baby is so fun, it is unexpected to them. As they get older, they understand "object permanence", they know that if they can't see something, they can look for it and find it. We are like a little child with the Lord in that way. If for a moment we can't see his face or see his blessings to us, we begin to wonder if we've lost him or if he is still there. Knowing the Lord is still there when his face feels hidden is difficult, but is a step toward maturing faith. Finding Him when we thought he was hidden from us fills our heart, we begin to understand that the Lord's connection to us is so deep, He will never leave us alone. There is peace in knowing He will always be with us.

Are there areas in your heart where grief and sadness have been swept to the corners or hidden under the rug? This year may have made some of those tender areas resurface. Invite the Lord into those hidden corners of your heart. Ask the Lord how he saw that moment, and where He was. Invite his glory, his love, his redemption, his victory over death and sin to come into the broken parts. The Lord redeems us as a whole. He also rescues and redeems the moments that feel broken. Jesus and his love are the balm, the healing that we so much need. What a loving friend our Redeemer is!

 

Wonderful Counselor

Desert evening primrose on rocky trail

 I wanted to share a few experiences that have taught me about Jesus' love for you and me. Some of them have to do with parenting, and special needs, that is where I have learned more about the Lord. A couple years ago I was walking. It had been a very hard day for our child with special medical needs the day before. I had just heard about another little girl with similar conditions that had been unfairly treated medically, leaving her with lifelong ramifications.  My heart ached for these little ones, for what they have faced and for what may still lie ahead for them. I felt angry at the injustices of people who don't understand, adding to the load already carried by these children. I asked the Lord to walk with me and to help me feel peace again. I apologized to the Lord for my anger and frustration, "Sorry I don't have anything nice to say to you." The Lord answered "It's OK, I can take it, I can take your anger. Tell me." I saw myself banging my fists on the Lord's chest, crying, angry, frustrated at the injustices of our fallen world. He didn't turn me away, or reproach my feelings, he just listened. I felt that these little children are in his hands, and that they had been doing a great work, bringing people to Him. He reminded me of the blind man in John in whom was manifested the power and works of God (John 9). My anger evaporated. In it's place was peace, not my own, but peace given to me from the Lord. When I turn to Jesus, the Savior takes my ugly, angry feelings, and in return gives me understanding and peace, helping me through the trials. What an amazing friend we have in Jesus. What love he has for each of us!

It is amazing to me that the Lord has all of his beautiful creations- forests, waterfalls, oceans, all of what He has made is His to be in. Yet it is our brokenness, our lowly and messy lives that he chooses to work. He nurtures the seed of faith and trust in Him, encouraging it to grow. So often I feel like my life is muddy and my feelings are not reverent or holy yet Jesus does not turn away from us. 

One barrier to seeking the Lord is when we feel we will never be able to do everything just right, never be worthy of the Lord answering our prayers. Whether God speaks to us is not at all a reflection of our worthiness, but rather a reflection of God's amazing continuing condescension and desire to work with us.  In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve saw their own nakedness, or their brokenness, their sin and vulnerability before God, Satan told them to hide, to be ashamed of being seen by God. He told them to cover themselves with fig leaves. God came to the garden, knowing they had disobeyed, but still looking for them and wanting to talk with them. When we see ourselves in our vulnerable, broken, sinful state, the devil tells us to hide, to hide away from God. Sometimes I reach the end of my patience and I reach for something to fill the emptiness. We all have at least a few coping mechanisms, some unhealthy, others healthy. When I am at that point, often I feel ashamed of being so tired, so empty of patience and love, and am afraid of saying or doing something that would bring further regret. The adversary tells us we are not worthy to talk to God when we feel this way and that we should be ashamed. The moments when we feel most broken are exactly when God wants most for us to talk to Him. God is looking for me, for each of us. When we see our sins and feel naked before God, at the end of our rope, that is when God is most looking for us and calling our name. Jesus suffering and great sacrifice for us is His cloak of love thrown over us, the covering of our nakedness before God. His sacrifice for us is what gives us grace. What amazing love He gives us! How wonderful our Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother and Savior are!  How could I turn to false sources of comfort when the Lord is so understanding and so full of love for me? I have started trying to pray at those times instead of hiding away from God. He tells me things like "You did a hard thing today. I saw how hard you tried. Tomorrow you can try again. I love you."   Where I turn for comfort when I feel broken tells a lot about where my heart is. Do we really love God as much as we say we do?